Many spouses are afraid to break up because they are not sure whether their feelings of uncertainty are just temporary pangs based on fear of the unknown and taking the “plunge”, or they are afraid of the loneliness which seems inevitable after terminating the friendship. They don’t want to hurt the other person.
Their sensitivity to hurting the other makes them hesitant to confront someone they care for with painful truths. However, this sensitivity may also reflect their own fear of rejection and guilt for being the “bad guy”.
There is no easy way to undo a relationship, but it is possible to make it harder and more painful than it needs to be. Some of the common mistakes made while breaking up include avoiding each other and terminating by default.
Most partners prefer to hear it directly rather than getting the news from gossiping friends or messengers.
Clinging, arguing, and fighting is a one-sided love affair. Any method that attempts to continue the relationship when the other wants out is just asking for rejection.
If the game in a relationship is not right, no one is to be blamed. Just because two people are not suited for each other does not make one bad, wrong, sick, or less worthwhile as a person.
When such attitudes persist, unnecessary guilt, pain, and bitterness often result, leaving both of them disillusioned with their friendship as well as their romance.
Be honest and kind. One of the most difficult types of break-up is where a person is left hanging as the reason. Even though it hurts, a truth shared kindly, will invariably hurt less than the hurting questions raised when no reason is given.
Soften the blow by giving an advance warning and an opportunity to prepare for the emotional crisis. Choose an appropriate time.
Admit your own failings and inadequacies. Affirm something in the other person and the relationship which you have appreciated.
Avoid destructive excuses because sensitive folks trying to cushion the pain often think that the following lines will hide the painful truth. Instead, the message implied by the statement hurts worse than the truth: “You need to be free to get to know other men.”
This can be interpreted to mean, “I want to be free of you so I can date around.”
“I’m too busy for a special relationship.” This is a real cover-up. If you wanted the other person badly enough, you would find the time or a way to continue the relationship on a less time-consuming basis.
“We don’t have much in common anymore.” This is another way of saying, in effect, “you bore me.”
While it may be true, to some extent, it more likely reflects the fact that you have list commitment and interest in learning about what you have in common and spending time sharing in these things. In other words, it may reflect more on you than the other.
Avoid dirty tricks by dumping a load of guilt and criticism on the other person, slandering the other person’s reputation and breaking confidence, threatening violence or suicide, writing nasty notes, and generally budging the other person, will only lead to regrets because they are childish reactions to not getting your own way.
Control your bitterness and hostility and find someone with whom you can freely talk and receive competent counseling. Dating someone before you have broken off is probably the most painful or dirty trick.
Watch out for self-pity;
Allow yourself to feel depressed for a while, then talk your feelings out with a trusted friend. Discover what went wrong, and learn from it. Just because your relationship is over doesn’t mean your life is over.
It does not mean that you are a failure or unlovable. Use the breakup as just another experience in your growth towards maturity and a better understanding of what you want in a life partner.
It is only part of the truth to think that we are only as good as others think we are. While it is true that significant people in our lives leave indelible impressions on our self-esteem, it is also true that, as adults, we assume responsibility for what we think of ourselves.
