Do your children bully or blackmail you? Most parents would go like, “Hell no!” Well, you might be surprised to find out that you have been a victim of blackmail by your children from the day they landed on earth. And as if that’s not bad enough, the older they grow the more blackmail skills they acquire.I have seen many parents over the years who routinely give in when their children act up.
One mother I met, I will call her Lillian, had an 11-year-old son who often used emotional blackmail and threats of misbehaviour to get his way.She dreaded taking him to the mall, because she knew she would end up buying him anything he asked for in an effort to keep him from calling her names, stomping and yelling at her, and making a scene. In effect, her son was holding her hostage. Sadly, as a mother and parent she had tolerated this character for long (10 years) and finding a solution now was a puzzle that would take forever to be solved.
Remember, when you don’t give in to your child, they have to figure out another way to solve their problem without your help. So what happens if we always respond to this type of behaviour by backing down? Your child learns that if he misbehaves or threatens to misbehave, that will solve his problem, because somebody’s going to give in. Make no mistake, the message you are sending your child is that misbehaviour works.
When your child acts out in public, if they are not responded to in an effective way, they develop a pattern of behaviour where they learn how to blackmail you to give them their way. And their mindset is, “My way or face my acting up.” That may involve yelling, screaming and tantrums if they’re younger. It may be angry faces and a disgusted tone, disrespectful remarks and even cursing when they get older.
I was raised by a tough mother so I don’t give my children reason to make me feel like I should cuddle them when they are being undisciplined. Every time you reward them for misbehaviour, you are making that portion of your child’s personality stronger. Your child discovers there’s absolutely no reason to change, no reason to mature.
The other thing that you need to understand is that when your child uses acting up as a problem-solving skill, they are not learning how to develop other more appropriate problem-solving skills. Children will throw a tantrum when they are frustrated or upset—that happens.
It is not too late for you to make new rules for your household. Otherwise you will be nested in the thought of, “they are still young”. And before you know it they will feel like they are old enough to talk back at you or do worse things.