I have encountered lots of stories on step parents, and off course the ones that stand out are those about cruel stepmothers. Fortunately, I did not have to grow up in this kind of family setting. I truly appreciate the fact that my father has been a single parent for 14 years. And God knows it was not easy. But never say never: here I am married to the best husband who is also a great stepdad to our two older children.
I never imagine this life. If anything I thought if the worst came to the worst, I would end up a stepmother to I don’t know who’s children. Then it was the other way round… I am glad because my husband and I are taking lessons. We are careful what to say or do and what not to, just to avoid getting caught up in a web of you favour X more than Y.
Stepfathering can be challenging. Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and run away from daily responsibilities. There is a lot to expect in this mentoring field. But stepfathers can have profound leadership roles with stepchildren. Like Joseph, who wasn’t Jesus’ biological parent, stepfathers can offer guidance, love, and encouragement to the children under their care.
All stepparents need to understand the emotional climate of their stepchildren. For example, being aware of the child’s emotional wounds and hurts from past losses is vital to coping with the sometimes angry or oppositional attitudes of children in stepfamilies. Much as we as parents want to enjoy our God given role of raising our children, we try our best to lay ground built on love and care for all parties involved.
Whereas my son adjusted so fast with their stepdad, my girl is taking baby steps and we are giving her all the time she needs. It is very important that stepfathers recognise that gaining respect from stepchildren is a process; you earn the right to lead by developing trust. You must be willing, for example, to enter the child’s life as an “outsider” who slowly finds acceptance, at the child’s pace.
For many men it is very difficult to realise that their stepchildren get to decide on the pace at which they find acceptance in the family—that you don’t get to control your parental status—the children do. They will open their heart to you when they are ready. But if I must speak on behalf of my husband, then in all honesty I believe he is enjoying step parenting and our children best describe him as ‘Daddy cool’.