When people travel to different places, a new way of life welcomes them. Gradually, they are assimilated into this culture and sub-consciously, they begin to behave like their environment. This explains the new accents and swagger. However for Ugandans who have never crossed the border or flown in a plane, I wonder whether accents are transferred by osmosis or diffusion as you watch movies! Ba-summer are all over town and each has peculiar behavior depending where they have been hustling. Here is the guide.
These ones are always liquor thirsty. Whether its malwa, waragi, beer or tonto, they will always have a thirst to quench. You will find them in bars drinking till late. While in bars, their conversation is about rugby, beer and women with big booty. They urge the natives to buy local products rather than imported stuff. Occasionally, they start fights only blood and tear gas can separate. They love to converse in Kiswahili to intimidate their relatives and friends.
They are squeaky clean. They complain about everything referring to Rwanda as perfect example. When in taxi they make statements like, “This taxi is so slow at least Rwandan drivers are fast.” They also complain about the sun rising too early. They expect freebies everywhere they go. They can’t survive the hustle in our dusty city.
The ones from Dubai are hustlers who made it big. The men are usually security guards at banks and malls while the women vend what God gave them to lustful men. After breathing the same oxygen as oil billionaire sheikhs, they believe they too are billionaires once they set foot at Entebbe. They spend lavishly. The women who are not involved in sex trade hunt for mates because in Arab world, sex is a luxury for the married. By January, they start selling off their cameras and smart phones to fundraise for air ticket back to their jobs.
Malaysia has an affluent dining culture and thriving food industry so when you go to a restaurant and one patron blubbers lines like, “Barista! Double shot of espresso served in porcelain and crispy crusty croissants,” don’t be afraid, that’s a Malaysia mu-summer seeking recognition. They also love to read out aloud the entire menu and later settle for mineral water. Let them not intimidate you because like our Dubai sisters, Ugandan ladies in Malaysia are in the sex trade.
The Japan work ethic operates on Hakuna Mchezo philosophy. They work like donkeys. If you meet one with a chest like a pair bums were planted there, chances are he was hustling in Japan. Due to the manual labour, they have chiseled faces sometimes looking like loaves of bread. They are physically fit and come in handy incase the ba-summer from Kenya start fighting over a beer bottle.
These ones have been baked by the sun and are sub-consciously attracted to anything that glitters so women who have taken Facco instant bleach creams seriously are in luck. They are down to earth but love fighting over frivolous things like changing television channel when Arsenal is playing.
These ones speak English like they have been hired by the Queen to represent Britain. They discuss politics and economy while comparing the price of sugar with EU policies. They tend not to get along with their relatives because of they can’t stand “Africans who can’t speak proper English”. For that reason, they hardly bring any presents. They are mostly broke.
If not married to an old white pensioner, for ba-summer from Sweden, the hunt continues. Good thing many work in elderly people’s homes so chances of hooking a pensioner are high.
These ones spend most of their time in South Africa somewhere in shrines confusing their clients in Lusoga and Luganda. They are rarely outdoors, so when in Uganda, they “want to be seen”. They make all efforts to be seen. From spending big in clubs and buying upcoming singers or broke models for the festive season, all these sangomas want is to be seen. Just asking, do the gods also go for Christmas?
Beware of the presents they bring you, they are most likely fake. Those of China too are like the Japanese. They have broad chests, chiseled faces and huge arms like thighs of cows to be slaughtered on Christmas. They don’t waste time because they know they have to fly back to work as soon as possible.
DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical piece and the information doesn’t necessary mean every Ugandan who works in one of the mentioned countries behaves the same way.